Are You Stuck Waiting?
For years, I waited at the proverbial gate that I designed specifically to keep me stuck. This particular gate involved my husband. We got married pretty young. I never finished college. Had 5 babies. I guess I began realizing I was waiting at this gate when I found myself getting angry when he wouldn’t do or be or say what I wanted. This started a self-exploration process into WHY did I feel this way. After months of processing, I realized I had developed HUGE expectations around him, his life, his life related to me and his responsibility to me. I found myself waiting at the gate of MY life. Waiting for him to do, be , say what I wanted.
I found myself profoundly stuck. And I didn’t like what I was seeing in myself. How could I have wasted all these years waiting for him? Why was I not able to accept him for who he was? Maybe I couldn’t accept myself. Maybe I was waiting on myself to do, be, act in a certain way. It started an in-depth look into who I was and why I was who I was. I found this process fascinating and yet very painful. I began to own my pieces in our relationship. I began to stand up for myself. I began to move into the action pieces that were necessary for my profound self-growth.
It was difficult at first to pull myself away from the gate. It had become my friend. The more I knew I needed to move away the bigger and more enticing the gate became. It was safe. I knew how to navigate myself at the gate. It was as if it had some power over me and I had to really fight to unleash myself from its shackles. I realized that I had been sitting at the gate for years. This created shame. As the rose colored glassed and the veil was removed the clarity was raw and unyielding. For months I would pull myself away from the gate, only to find myself back at it waiting yet again. It was an infuriating process. It took a few years to realize that what was going on was I didn’t want to take responsibility for my life once I left the gate so I would find myself back there in hopes that HE would take responsibility for my life. Which he never did, really, which led me to anger and disappointment. Those darn expectations kept coming back up. Expectations of him, my life, myself.
Finally, I had to crush and destroy the gate and say no more. I had to seriously move into action around my thoughts. When I would fall back and try and make him responsible for my life, and find myself waiting at that damn gate again, I had to remind myself I destroyed the gate, I release all expectations and I now pick up the reigns and move forward. It was one of the hardest things I think I have done in my life.
This process was not easy on our personal/intimate relationship either. There would be days that I had to just put up a barrier between the two of us to get myself passed the gate. In hindsight, it, waiting at the gate, was an addiction. Once the realization was there, I saw myself going back to the gate whenever I didn’t want to take responsibility for my life. This awareness was the first step. The action piece came later of actually changing my thoughts when I would find myself on the well-worn path back to the gate. I had to change my thoughts in order to turn myself around. This process still happens today. It takes mindfulness. It takes a commitment to myself. It takes a commitment to staying present with myself and all my feelings.
Life is a journey. One step at a time.
What are you waiting for? What does your gate look like? How many gates are you waiting at? A job-gate? A spouse gate? A friend gate? Are you possibly waiting for yourself at a gate? Waiting for yourself to show up in a way that is healthy? Take a few moments and think about this blog post, and ask yourself the question, how can this awareness now help me to change the direction of my life?
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