She laid there as once again he asked if he could hold her. The thoughts went back and forth, the questions, the thinking, the mental overload, “do I want to be held?” “is this OK?” “what if I say no?” ” is it OK to say no?” “will he get mad?” “why is this so much work?” “just say yes, why don’t you want to say yes?” “do I want to be held?” “is this what healthy people do? ask?” “I appreciate him asking he’s putting into action what we’ve been trying to create and yet I can’t give back.” ” I’m not sure I want to be held.” “hurry up and answer, he’s gonna get upset.” “why don’t I know?”.
As she expressed to him what she was feeling she had all the trepidation that it would end badly. She knew she had to move forward in this relationship or it would probably fizzle out and die. She had to do the work to move past these old patterns of behavior that just were not working for her any longer. They kept her safe at one point, all they were doing now was caging her and keeping her life stagnate and cold. And maybe, if she could bring herself to look at the reality, patterns that never worked for her in the first place. She kept with it because she thought surely one day it’ll all come together.
She spoke and then said “do over, what I really want to say is…”, the bandages of all the old ways of communicating fell away, they were set free to make room for the new way. She was doing it. She was walking through all the fear, all the made up ideas, all the excuses, all the lies she told herself about him. It was going to be OK, it really was. She took one last deep breath and then closed her mouth and let the silence between them expand.
What he heard her say was: “when you asked me if you could hold me, let me share with you all the thoughts and things that went thru my head…”. And then he heard her say something he felt was very honest: “When I felt like you were sucking the life right out of me, so needy, such a taker, I put up a wall. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. As we are talking I am realizing I need to fall into myself and allow you to come in with me. I need to take the mask off that I have put on you, the mask of my abuser. I want to want you to hold me. I want to get to know you without the mask. I am getting there, just not yet.”
She said later after an hours worth of talking “if I put up a wall the energy will flow one direction from you to me and it will feel like you are taking the life from me. If I give back, the energy flows between us, more of a sharing, not a taking. I am going to start taking down the energetic wall I put up between us, and see how it feels. If it is too scary right now I can always put it back up, the only difference now is I know that I am doing it and what I am doing it for”.
Falling in, she decided was going to be her new mantra for awhile, falling into herself, falling in love, falling into the flow, falling in, she was going to focus on falling in.