Have You Agreed To Be Here?
I had a very big personal ah-ha moment in my Psychology of Eating coaching certification program in late October of last year (2016). I consciously realized I had been outside my physical body looking in on myself and my life, literally FOREVER. Marc David asked the student body “Have you agreed to be here on planet earth? in this physical body?” I had to think about that answer for quite a few days. The answer finally came to be a “hell no, why would I?” That made me cry and then made me dig deep into WHY did I feel this way?
It occurred to me, that only until recently, had I felt SAFE in the world. It has taken a very long time to be able to say that. Given what happened to me as a child (over 15 sexual abusers and one rape), I did not like this world much at all. So when Marc asked that question it was like “what do you mean?” (with my face all scrunched up). Why would I have agreed to be here for THAT? So I kept digging. I kept asking myself questions and listening to the lecture.
We are asked to supplement our lectures with suggested reading material. I began to read one of those books and the whole question began to make sense. If I hadn’t agreed to be here, and I hadn’t claimed this physical body as my own, how could I even begin to heal it? WOW! That epiphany was huge. The next big epiphany was if I hadn’t claimed my body, I hadn’t really experienced on a feeling level most of my life, INCLUDING the LOVE. Maybe this is why I had always asked the question “what is this love thing anyway?” I had no comprehension of it until this past year when I embodied and began opening my heart. And practicing self-love every single day.
So it was clear I now needed to make a new agreement with myself. I needed to AGREE to be here. To claim this body and my life as my own. This, I will tell you, was not EASY at all for me. This may be difficult for some to understand and grasp if you’ve been IN your body since the day you were born. For someone who has suffered trauma in the form of sexual abuse or in other ways, many of us learn to check out of our bodies and not experience what is happening at the time. I think I just got stuck OUTSIDE my body. This is what made me cry. It was a lot safer there for me. All of my abuse happened between the age of 2 (my first memory) and 12. So it is no wonder that for many moments in my life I behaved as if I was between the ages of 2 and 12. I just got that piece writing this. So I had to now claim this body as mine and all the experiences I had gone through with this body. WOW, that seemed a bit overwhelming but as I settled into the idea it wasn’t as difficult as I had first thought.
It felt weird as first. And I did think to myself “is this the beginning of REAL CRAZY or no”? I like control. I like being in charge and knowing what’s happening. So when things started to feel weird, I had to rely on my meditation practice of deep breathing to keep me calm.
Today I can describe three things that happened in those first weeks of saying “YES!” to Marc’s question. I DO agree to be here on planet earth . I WANT to be here on planet earth. FOOD tasted different. It was like I was tasting food for the very first time. And some things just didn’t taste good anymore like the bone broth protein powder I was putting in my green drink in the morning. That had to go. I SOUNDED different to myself. That one is not easy to explain. I just know over the next few weeks when I would speak out loud I sounded different to myself. Like when you hear yourself on a recording. I sounded younger, clearer, crisper. I know, weird! And I began to have thoughts and feelings of “coming home” to a place I had always been but never really embodied. This is the piece I am still working with today, embodiment.
With embodiment comes a personal responsibility. A wanting to experience what is happening with my body. No matter what is going on. Feel what it feels like to feel. Identify those feelings. Accept those feelings as my own instead of being able to live in denial or say “those aren’t mine, I don’t feel that way”.
So I ask you, the reader, the question again, “Have you agreed to be here in your life, in your body, on planet earth”?