Living From A Place of Fear

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Living from a place of fear is exhausting!

This morning I got up at 5 a.m., which is usually my get up time, meditated and got the fire going in the wood-burning stove, got my breakfast and made some ham and bean soup for my husband and two of my boys. Thought it would be nice for them to have before they left on a trip this evening.  I had slept on the couch because my husband was not feeling well, sinus stuff, a cold, that thing that is going around, and he snores, so I decided to just let him stay in our bed. I usually kick him out of our bed each night due to his snoring.

I like to leave by 8 a.m. for the gym.  I was way behind my schedule this morning. No one got up until after 9.  When they did I asked for some help with keeping the fire going, bringing in wood, etc.  They were slow about it but it got done.  I could feel the tension in my back and neck starting.  And I asked myself “what’s going on?”  “You’ve had a great morning, accomplished a lot why the tension?”

Well, it wasn’t until later in the day that I figured out what was happening.

I didn’t leave the house until 11:00 a.m.!  All morning long I knew I was running late.  As I drove towards the gym I said, “screw it, I simply don’t have enough time to go to the gym and get my lunch at a decent time.”  So I ended up not going to the gym.  I ran a couple of errands in town that I had on my to-do list for today and got my lunch and headed to my office.  I listened to NPR while I ate.  Then I chose to meditate for 20 minutes before going home.  It was in that meditation that I gained some clarity on the morning’s feelings of tension.

Today, when the feelings don’t match the situation, I get curious.  Say for instance you’re at a birthday party and everyone is having fun and laughing and all of a sudden you start bawling, out of the blue.  That’s when I get curious.

So I was well on my way to being there this morning and this afternoon because I did have a really good morning.  I enjoyed putting myself second so my husband could maybe get a good nights sleep without having to be woken up to go sleep in another bed.  I love cooking, so that was a plus. And I love my kitchen in the morning and having my alone time before the house becomes busy.  So the inquiry began…

Why the tension?  What was beneath the tension?  Why was the situation one of feeling good, happy, love and then also tension like I was MAD about something?  This is the one that didn’t belong. In those quiet moments at my office, the answer became clear.

Many times the feeling that lies beneath anger or in my case this morning feeling MAD, is FEAR.  More inquiry was needed.  “Why am I in fear?” I went through my morning step by step.  Looked at all the situations and feelings and it was like reading a road map.  The truth was revealing itself to me.

Underlying my whole morning, and now I’m realizing, many mornings is tension around getting to the gym on time.  Getting to the gym is VERY IMPORTANT to my life as a Type 1 diabetic.  It helps to control my blood sugars.  It helps to manage my weight.  It helps with my self-worth and self-esteem.  My fear is HUGE, which I didn’t realize until today. The fear is if I don’t stay vigilant if I don’t stay on top of my game, if I don’t do everything in my power to stay healthy, I am going to get even sicker and then what? I really wasn’t even aware of this fear and how it sits right underneath the surface of my life causing me stress and tension and some un-named anxiety.  It causes my relationships to suffer, those with my husband and my kids.  It did get a little heated this morning.

So what do I do now?  Once there has been light shed on a fear, such as this, I can’t go back to the place where I wasn’t aware of it.  So what I can do now, today, for one, is apologize to my family for getting short with them this morning.  Explain to them my insight. And trust that they will understand on some level.  A second step, almost a whole other layer is to look at how this fear has run my life on many occasions. The fear of getting sicker.  The fear of having to do my life right to be healthy or else.  The fear of eating the wrong foods for too long.  There are many fears underlying the top fear.  My job now is to dig deeper.  I dig deeper when I want healing to occur.  So the work in front of me tonight is to move forward with a knowing that this is something I have lived with the last 4 years and that now it is time to allow the light to shine on the fear and to reinforce a positive way of looking at my health and wellness.

When we can identify an underlying feeling and diagnose WHY we have that feeling, much less turmoil, drama, and chaos happens in our lives. Relationships are better especially the primary relationship which is the one we have with ourselves.

I don’t want to act out of fear.  I want to act out of love.  Self-love.  Gently lean into a knowing that all is well, including my health and that whatever arises, love that, no matter what.  I’ll get through whatever shows up, look what I’ve already been through.

I’m grateful today for insights and becoming aware of feelings in my life and digging deep for healing.

Truly, living a life from a fearful place, even if you aren’t quite aware of why, is exhausting.


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